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A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath..
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure
you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
 

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I couldn't find a pen the other day so I nipped into town to buy one. Unfortunately all the shops were shut. The only place that was open was a Massage Parlor. Mind you, the lady in there was very helpful and gave me a felt tip.
 

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.........:eek:.
 

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Hi chaps...all the years I spent bleeding brakes and clutches by sucking it through a bit of washer pipe has given me an adiction to brake fluid....but dont worry i can stop anytime I want.........ahahahahahah....Taxi....
 

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FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Funnily enough, however once she killed herself I started to feel a
lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
 

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
Local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 

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Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York Racecourse.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Class 3?'


'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.’
 

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Hi chaps...There I was ,out with my mate Mick Jagger in his rolls royce one day and decided to stop at a roadside burger van.....what do you want Mick I asked.....ummm....can I have a slice of granite in a bun please....I said ..That sounds a bit hard Mick...and he replied..'Its only rock in roll but I like it'.....hahaha...groan ..that was bad...sorry...
 

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An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead".

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'
 

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An evangelist preaching in Liverpool is offering the prospect of miracles by
the laying on of hands to the local kids.

Young Billy walks up on stage and asks “Can you help me with my hearing ?”

The preacher lays his hands on Billys ears for a time then asks him “How’s
your hearing now ?”

“Don’t know yet” replies Billy “it’s not till next Tuesday”
 
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