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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Joke for today.... (may be adult in theme, and not work safe)

Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character..
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them..
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes..

No wonder men are happier.
 
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The triplets;

One day a woman pregnant with triplets is heading down the hugh street and decided to stop off at her bank.

Just after she enters, a masked man follows her in and holds the bank up! She screams and he hesitates and shoots her three times in the belly. By some miracle, the woman and all three children survive and are born on time.

Around 13 years later, the father is sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, a second runs in shouting in a panic and declares "Dad, dad, I was just having a wee and a bullet came out!!!!!!"

His dad replies, "Its a long story that will only upset you, I'll explain when your 18". Confused the son walks off thinking about what the 'story' could be.

A few hours later, a second son runs in and screams "Dad, dad, I was just having a wee and a bullet came out!!!!!!". Again the father says "Its a long story that will only upset you, I'll explain when your 18", and again his son wonders off confused.

That evening son number three comes running into the room. Before he can get a word in, his dad says "let me guess, you were having a wee and a bullet came out???"

"No, I was having a wa,nk and I shot the cat"
 
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Discussion Starter #3
One for Betty

:p

Englishman in Dublin stops Paddy and asks him "what is the quickest way to get to Cork".
Paddy asks "would you be walking or would you be driving".
The englishman says "I will be driving"
Paddy says "sure that would be the quickest".
 
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Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can I smell something fishy"?
 
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Did You Know?



1. If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to creat the energy of an atomic bomb. (I wonder who got paid to figure that out?)


2. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


3. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.)


4. A male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the ...?!)


5. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


6. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life -- quality over quantity.)


7. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm....)


8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)


9. Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)


10. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
 
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two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other, does this taste funny to you
 
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
 
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husband and wife are in bed. every time they do it the husband turns off the lights. one time the wife wanted to leave the lights on but the husband did not want to. so one night in the mist of all the passion the wife turns on the lights to find that her husband had been using a cucumber on her. outraged she yelled " a cucumber all these years!! i cant believe u i deserve an explaination!!!"
the husband set up and looked his wife in the eye and said "honey i truely apologize yes i have been using a cucumber and u do deserve an explaination." the wife agreed. the husband calmy says to the wife " i will explain the cucumber... when you explain the 3 kids!!!"
 
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Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."
 
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A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.

So I did."
 
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A Horse walks into a bar with a set of jump leads.

The barman says. "Look Trigger, we know you're upset and we don't mind the long face. Just don't try an start anything".
 
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Discussion Starter #12
walked into the doctors this morning and said "doc can you help me out" sure he said which way did you come in
 
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Chap walking home finds a rusty lamp by the side of the road, he rubs it and lo and behold a Genie pops out. "I have been trapped in this lamp for 10'000 years, for freeing me you have 3 wishes master" say's the Genie.

The chap thinks hard about his first wish.."I am scared of flying and would love to visits America. Could you build me a bridge from my house to Florida so I can drive across?" The Genie ponders this request. "That is a big bridge to go over a lot of water master and will be a massive construction. Are you sure there is not a better way to use your wish". The chap thinks some more "I got it" he says "I have always struggled with women, all my relationships go wrong eventually, so I would like to be able to understand women".

"Hmmm" say's the Genie. "This bridge..do you want 2 lanes or 4"
 
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Looks at his wife in bed and says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".....his wife looks up and says "That's a sheep"..the man says "I was talking to the sheep".....
 
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man walks into his local butchers, he says "what happened to your assistant?"
the butcher replies "I sacked him, he kept sticking his d**k in the bacon slicer!"
The man says "I see, so what happened to your bacon slicer?"
Butcher says " I sacked 'er an' all!!"

another one,

naked man walking down the high street with a woman on his back, guy in a window shouts "where you going?" man replies "fancy dress party", guys shouts "what as?" he replies "a tortoise" guy replies "who's that (pointing to girl on his back)" man replies "thats mi' shell!"
 
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Two lunatics talking in the asylum, one asks "is that clock on the wall right?"
"Yes" says the other
"what's it doing in here then?"


A fella walking down the road sees a gang of blokes running towards him, "what's going on?" he asks one of them
"A lion escaped from the zoo"
"which way did it go?" asks the fella
"you don't think we're bloody chasing it do you?!"


I broke down on the M25 last week and called the AA out, the bloke was a right miserable, nasty sod, grumbling about everything.
He hooked my car up and started towing me off the motorway.
I got my moneys worth though, I kept my foot on the brake!

Bloke parks up outside Anfield, a lad comes up to him, "Can I watch your car for a fiver?"
"No" replies the owner "and there's a Rotweiler in the back of there"
"Oh" says the lad, "put fires out can he?"
 

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BestGear said:
Chap walking home finds a rusty lamp by the side of the road, he rubs it and lo and behold a Genie pops out. "I have been trapped in this lamp for 10'000 years, for freeing me you have 3 wishes master" say's the Genie.

The chap thinks hard about his first wish.."I am scared of flying and would love to visits America. Could you build me a bridge from my house to Florida so I can drive across?" The Genie ponders this request. "That is a big bridge to go over a lot of water master and will be a massive construction. Are you sure there is not a better way to use your wish". The chap thinks some more "I got it" he says "I have always struggled with women, all my relationships go wrong eventually, so I would like to be able to understand women".

"Hmmm" say's the Genie. "This bridge..do you want 2 lanes or 4"
:lol: lol
 
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BestGear said:
Chap walking home finds a rusty lamp by the side of the road, he rubs it and lo and behold a Genie pops out. "I have been trapped in this lamp for 10'000 years, for freeing me you have 3 wishes master" say's the Genie.

The chap thinks hard about his first wish.."I am scared of flying and would love to visits America. Could you build me a bridge from my house to Florida so I can drive across?" The Genie ponders this request. "That is a big bridge to go over a lot of water master and will be a massive construction. Are you sure there is not a better way to use your wish". The chap thinks some more "I got it" he says "I have always struggled with women, all my relationships go wrong eventually, so I would like to be able to understand women".

"Hmmm" say's the Genie. "This bridge..do you want 2 lanes or 4"
I'm liking this one! :thumb:
 
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Discussion Starter #19
:confused: ...all these good jokes, and only comments on one of them?!?!?

Looks like Herbert and Stubbo have women problems....:D

David
 
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BestGear said:
I broke down on the M25 last week and called the AA out, the bloke was a right miserable, nasty sod, grumbling about everything.
He hooked my car up and started towing me off the motorway.
I got my moneys worth though, I kept my foot on the brake!

This one always tickles me....
 
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