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Old 11-08-19, 04:00 PM   #691
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A thief broke into a Police Station and stole the toilet. The Police have nothing to go on.
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Old 11-08-19, 04:45 PM   #692
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My wife said to me the other day..."you wouldnt like it if you were in my shoes would you"....ha ha...little does she know what happens when she goes to bingo in the evening....hahahahahah
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Old 11-08-19, 06:17 PM   #693
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital. One's in a Korma, the other has a dodgy Tikka!

Paul
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Old 12-08-19, 06:39 PM   #694
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A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.


The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.


She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, iI'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.


The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."
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Old 13-08-19, 05:47 PM   #695
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I changed my computer password to 'Alcatraz' and now the 'Esc' button won't work....

Paul
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Old 13-08-19, 05:50 PM   #696
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My friend has just successfully bred a crocodile with a homing pigeon.

I think thatís something that's going to come back and bite him...

Paul
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Old 14-08-19, 05:45 PM   #697
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

Paul
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Old 17-08-19, 12:32 AM   #698
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The circus owner is training a new lad to be a lion tamer using the traditional aids consisting of a chair and a whip.
The lad is a little apprehensive and asks "what if the lion starts to attack me"
"You crack the whip in his face".
"What if that does not stop him?"
"You throw the chair in his face".
"What if that does not stop him?"
"You throw shit in his face".
"What if there is no shit to throw?"

"There will be. Ohhh yesss, there will be!

Reiver.
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Old 17-08-19, 12:11 PM   #699
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I wouldn't say my wife was fat but when we were married I had to make two trips to carry her over the threshold.
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Old 17-08-19, 07:07 PM   #700
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My grandparents were named Pearl and Dean...

But we called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapapapapapaa...

Paul
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