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Old 17-07-19, 12:11 PM   #681
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Hi all....my girlfriend has started to suspect I'm having an 'affair'..I thought ..blimey she's started to sound just like the wife.....hahahahaha
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Old 18-07-19, 08:09 AM   #682
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Sad news.....the wife has accused me of being on this forum far too much and hav'nt been paying much attention to her...so she's asked me to decide between this forum or her....so sadly I wont be around for a while as i'm off to help her pack her bags and arrange a taxi..see you all soon......hahhahhahha
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Old 18-07-19, 03:31 PM   #683
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's
funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and
mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
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Old 20-07-19, 10:54 AM   #684
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I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question, - which I got wrong.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji ..
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Old 30-07-19, 08:32 PM   #685
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Yesterday was not a good day.
I decided to try horseback riding after work to relax.
It turned out to be a mistake!

I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on.
I fell off, but my foot got caught in the stirrup.
The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop.

Thank goodness the manager of the grocery store came out and unplugged the machine.
But then he had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't attempt to drive the Batmobile.

Paul
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Old 05-08-19, 03:58 PM   #686
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when

one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings

the two to life.


The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing

summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do

what you've wished to do the most.'


He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen

minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.


The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it

again?'


He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold

the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
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Old 07-08-19, 08:51 PM   #687
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A man with Alzheimers walks into a Library and shouts to the Librarian "Pie and chips please'.

The Librarian says "I'm sorry sir, but this is a Library"

"I'm sorry" says the man and then whispers "Pie and chips please"

Paul
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Old 08-08-19, 07:52 AM   #688
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25
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Old 08-08-19, 05:20 PM   #689
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four wooden tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first. No one has EVER touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,

“Look at this then, it's still in the CRATE!"
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Old 11-08-19, 03:44 PM   #690
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A shop assistant fought off a would be robber with a labelling gun...police are looking for someone with a price on his head!

Paul
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