Joke for today.... - Page 3 - Peugeot Forums
Peugeot Forums - Peueot - Citroen Community
Home :: Peugeot Forums :: Rules :: Articles :: About Us :: Partner Vendors :: Advertise


Go Back   Peugeot Forums > General > Off-topic
PeugeotForums.com is the premier Peugeot All Forum on the internet. Registered Users do not see the above ads.
Like Tree287Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 16-06-09, 05:52 PM   #21
Inactive User
 
alloydog's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Finland
Posts: 84
Default

Doctors now reckon that married men live longer than unmarried men.
They're just more willing to die...
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
alloydog is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 16-06-09, 08:05 PM   #22
Senior Member
 
bettyswollocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 9,737
Default

paddy and murphy buy 2 pigs for their farm. murphy says how are we gonna tell the difference between your pig and mine?

paddy says , 1 off the pigs has a ear missing , i`ll have the pig with 1 ear you have the pig with 2 ears.

during the night the pigs have a fight and the pig with 1 ear bites an ear off the pig with 2 ears.

the following morning murphy says, how are we gonna tell the difference now.

paddy says, i`ll cut the other ear of my pig so mine has no ears and yours has 1 ear.

during the night the pigs have another fight, and the pig with no ears bites the ear off the other pig.

next day murphy says , how are we gonna tell the difference now,

paddy says i`ll cut the tail of my pig,

during the night the pig with no tail bites the tail of the other pig.

murphy says , how are we gonna tell the difference now.

paddy says f*ck it i`ll have the black one , you take the pink one.
djw1981 and melosv8man like this.
bettyswollocks is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 04:55 AM   #23
Inactive User
 
alloydog's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Finland
Posts: 84
Default

Mick got a job as lumberjack. He was given a chainsaw and told he needed to cut down a hundred trees a day.

On his first day, by the time the others clock off, he had done only 85. The boss wasn't happy, but he could see that Mick had worked hard, so gave him another chance.

Then next day, Mick started much earlier, and worked his bollocks off. By knocking off time, he had cleared 95 trees. The boss said it still wasn't enough, he would have let Mick go. Mick pleaded for his job, and promised he would meet the target tomorrow. The boss relented.

Mick came in at the crack of sparrow fart, worked like a whipped horse all day, and finally clocked off long after the others had gone. He had cut down 99 trees.
The boss shook he head. Close, but he could understand why Mick couldn't meet the same target as all the others. Mick had to go. As Mick stood there, looking dejected, the boss said, he would take down the last tree. The boss pulled the start-cord of the chainsaw. As it roared into life, Mick jumped back in surprise...

"What the f**k is that noise!?"
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
alloydog is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 17-06-09, 06:37 PM   #24
Inactive User
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 35
Default

I when to Tesco's the other day, found an old lady on the floor dead, poor old gal had just brought a bag for life.
lemonjelly is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 07:25 PM   #25
Senior Member
 
bettyswollocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 9,737
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lemonjelly
I when to Tesco's the other day, found an old lady on the floor dead, poor old gal had just brought a bag for life.

that the best you got , you must be a hoot at a party.
bettyswollocks is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 08:48 PM   #26
BestGear
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
  Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 08:48 PM   #27
BestGear
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh..equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big and heavy to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted…..
sterion75 likes this.
  Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 08:52 PM   #28
BestGear
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Big fish, little fish, cardboard box...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/bobthe...ebuilder.shtml
  Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 08:54 PM   #29
BestGear
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I only had one officer Mr. Keg.

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me; Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyser test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

so, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I ****ed a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
  Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 17-06-09, 09:22 PM   #30
Inactive User
 
alloydog's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Finland
Posts: 84
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BestGear
I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
Always knew that one as "I haven't touched a c.u.nt, dropstable...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BestGear
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
Actually, one night, many, many moons ago, we got pulled over by the Essex Fedaralis, on Mersea Island. As my mate pulled out of a carpark, some lads in a Celica overtook us pretty quickly. My mate, in his Ford/Isopon MK2 Escort. decided this was a challenge and managed to take them on the next bend. The jam-sandwich was going in th eopposite direction, so how they managed to U-turn and catch up so quickly was pretty amazing. Anyway, the first question they asked my mate was "Were you racing? Sir", to which my mate naturally answered, with big, innocent eyes, "No, officer!". After the boot was checked for spare tyre/firearms/hash/whatever, we were ticked off and told to go home, "carefully". As soon as the he wound the window up, my mate's comment was "'Were you racing? Sir' - Yes, and I was winning until you ****s stopped me!"

Them's were the days "boy racers" were seen as lads letting off steam, and if they killed themselves, then tougth shit..." Now, they're social menaces and given ASBOs... Me? I never broke a traffic law in my life, 'onest guv. Bu'er would melt in me mouth...
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
alloydog is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Peugeot Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT. The time now is 12:38 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.