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Old 03-05-12, 07:33 AM   #1
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Default Apologies to the Irish

Two Irish men walking down the road saw notice in shop window suites 5 trousers 2 and shirts 1 , Paddy says wow we could buy a pile of those and sell them for ten times that back in Ireland , but we will have to be careful if he knows we are Irish he will think we are thick and try too cheat us , so they go into the shop and Paddy in his very best English accent says i would like one hundred suites , one hundred trousers, and two hundred shirts , the shop assistant says your Irish aren't you Paddy gasps how did you know, assistant because this is a dry cleaners.....
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Old 04-05-12, 01:28 PM   #2
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lol
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Old 05-05-12, 10:32 AM   #3
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lol...betty's gonna string you up.....lol....
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Old 05-05-12, 01:41 PM   #4
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Thats very racist.
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Old 05-05-12, 08:29 PM   #5
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Gotta follow this one, he he come on Martin.



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Old 05-05-12, 08:44 PM   #6
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Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!


Shit did i just mention Ze War?
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Old 05-05-12, 08:49 PM   #7
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Irishmen, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Irishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Irishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Irishmen came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Irishmen`s ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Irishmen had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Irishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Irishmen leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
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Old 05-05-12, 08:50 PM   #8
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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
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Old 05-05-12, 09:10 PM   #9
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Paddy, having got lost in the Borneo jungle, had been captured by head hunters. They took him to their village, where the tribe chief told him he would be sacrificed and his brain would be put in a jar for sale to cannibal tribes.

He was shown a group of jars, each labelled with their contents and their price in bird of paradise feathers. There were jars marked "American" for sale at five feathers. Germans for four feathers, Irish for two feathers, and English for fifty feathers.

"Oh now," said Paddy, affronted. "Why are Irish brains so cheap and English ones so expensive?"

"Oh, Irish brains are plentiful, but English brains are very rare!".

We're on a roll betty....
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Old 06-05-12, 08:54 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colin13 View Post
Two Irish men walking down the road saw notice in shop window suites 5 trousers 2 and shirts 1 , Paddy says wow we could buy a pile of those and sell them for ten times that back in Ireland , but we will have to be careful if he knows we are Irish he will think we are thick and try too cheat us , so they go into the shop and Paddy in his very best English accent says i would like one hundred suites , one hundred trousers, and two hundred shirts , the shop assistant says your Irish aren't you Paddy gasps how did you know, assistant because this is a dry cleaners.....
Come on Colin, you started this we need an ace!!!!!!



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